Serving Myself

About nine months ago, I made the official switch from student to volunteer in my church's youth group.  I have gotten to be a small group leader and have some of the sweetest middle-schoolers in my care.  Along with that, I serve pizza before service and volunteer for whatever jobs need to be done.

Now for me, this is ideal.  I love to be busy, and I was born to help.
Need that table moved? I'll do it.
You're hungry? I'm getting you food.
It's raining and you forgot your jacket? Well then you can just go ahead and take mine.

I am the one who gives.  Basically, whatever need you have, I will try and fill it.

BUT.
But.
In my working, I have overlooked the very thing that drives me: my pride.

I never would have thought that egotism would be an issue for me.
"Only mean people are prideful, and I'm not mean.  I am sweet and helpful and loyal and loving and...oh...I see."  I've built myself up so high through the work that I do.

 I have spent so long just doing whatever I could to please, and I never examined why I do it.

I go so fast so I can look at those who aren't doing the same and smirk at their "laziness."
I do odd jobs because that's easier than looking at the problems people are facing.
I refuse the help of others because they can't do anything as well as I can.
I "serve so hard" because I like the recognition I get.

 "In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. (Psalms 10:4)"

As long as I serve myself, for my own gain, my heart will go on being prideful.  
When I keep on pushing without letting people help me in return, I will slowly get more and more bitter.  
If I keep building myself up through the work God has blessed me with, I will keep falling farther from Him.

I am the one who gives, but I need God to fill me first.

-Aidan

You can follow me for more updates on my upcoming DTS, and support me at youcaring.com/iwillgosendme :)

Phobias and Funding

Let’s talk about fear. 

When we’re little, we may be afraid of things that are really not what they appear to be: clowns are just people in heavy make-up; the heavy rumble of a thunderstorm may be miles away; and the monsters in the closet are just shadows. 

When I was a kid, I was scared of a lot of things (read: a lot. of. things.).  In particular, I was afraid of movie characters.  I tearfully rejected the Wizard of Oz poster that some family friends had given me, because it reminded me of the Wicked Witch of the West.  I dreaded going into the movie store, because it had a life-sized cardboard cutout of Jim Carrey in The Mask by the door.  And don’t even get me started on Gremlins. 

Want to know what scares me now? Money.

I crunch the numbers and realize that I won't have enough money for this school. No matter how many overtime shifts I work or yard sales I have, I can't do it; at least not while I'm relying on myself.  

To get where I need to go and follow where God's leading me, it can't be just me. And that's scary. Letting go of control and leaving your situation to someone else is frightening. 

For anyone who knows me, control is not something that's a huge issue with me. I have trouble giving up control not because every little thing has to align, but because I'm a worker. I don't like asking for help, I like giving it.  I am the one who takes out the garbage and sets up tables. I am Aidan, the worker and the giver.

So I guess waiting for these funds is scary because I have to change my heart a little bit. I have to stop working and learn how to rest and trust instead of going full-speed.

It's kind of like those same characters I was afraid of as a kid. Just like I had to look past the illusion that they existed in the real world, I need to realize that God is bigger than money. If He's going to use me, He'll find a way. Because my anxieties are worth more to the God of  the universe than a couple thousand dollars.

And if I can remember that, maybe this won't be so scary anymore. -Aidan

If you care to support me in any way, you can do so by commenting and sharing this post, praying for me, or giving financially at youcaring.com/iwillgosendme :)

"I Will Go, Send Me" Origin Story

So I wanted to start off this new season of (hopefully) periodical blogging with a video.

More than anything, I just want this to be a way of communicating to all of my loved ones who are supporting me, before and during my trip. 

Here's the link to the "origin story" of the Discipleship Training School, just for your enjoyment. ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxWWoSrcW-4

Mobile Blogging at Books-a-Million

I'm in Books-a-Million, looking at books. Obviously.

It is an outrage that they only have Divergent in boxed sets. This is America, dang it, and I want to read teen apocalyptic fiction for free. This is why Barnes and Noble has stuck around while you have slowly died out, Books-a-Million.

I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I'm just looking for things to be upset about.

When I have free time in a bookstore, it comes to this. It's a mix of joy for finally having time and sadness because I can never focus on anything for too long. Kinda like my life right now.

Christmas break was fun at first. A much needed break. But now, I'm at a loss. I'm reminded when there is nothing to do that I can focus on nothing unless I'm forced or guilt-tripped or anxiety-d into it.

All these books to read and movies to watch and plans to fulfill and I just...can't. 

This is just a day. Just a day that needs to be forgotten. 

I used to have days like this all the time. No job, no schoolwork, just filling my life with useless little gimmicks to pass the time.

I don't want to be like that anymore. I hated myself then and I refuse to do that anymore. 

So I'm gonna go home. And force myself to read a book. I will make creme brûlée because it makes my mom happy. I will print out my class syllabi. I will learn my lines for the shows in which I am participating.

Lack of focus does not mean loss of purpose. It's just a phase, just a day, just a moment of sadness.

And now it's done.

...and the birds of the air and for me.

For my first blog post, I wanted to share a little journal entry from a while back. This was an evening right before the summer of 2012, after a pretty heavy downpour of rain.  As I was walking inside,  I was struck by something that can only be explained as the Holy Spirit, and it prompted me to write this:

I walked outside, but now my feet are planted mid-stride.  I didn't mean to be taken aback by the setting that surrounds me every day. 

My feet are rinsed by the dew from after the storm.  

The air is thick and humid and encapsulating.

Out chickens are stirring and milling about, but even they know that it's time to sit and rest for the night.

I'm surrounded by lightning bugs, and with each sporadic flash my attention is drawn to other beauties.

The shade of sky is like a whitish slate blue, and the leaves of the trees are a stark black silhouette against it.

And as I glance to the tops of the trees, I see God.

I see Him in the very-highest leaves and the wind rustling through them.  I see him in the freshly showered grass that seems to go on endlessly.  I see Him in my dreams and my reflection; I sense him my future and the life that is being woven.

This night will never be the same, but this is what contentedness feels like.  I want to remember how this feels, right in this moment.  

My future is bright, my family is near me, and I feel safe. God has a plan for the frogs jumping near my toes, and the bats fluttering in the air, and for me. 

My eyes fill with tears and my heart overflows at the plan He has for me. 

Thank-you for reading! I hope to put up much more in the near future. Til then!