Phobias and Funding

Let’s talk about fear. 

When we’re little, we may be afraid of things that are really not what they appear to be: clowns are just people in heavy make-up; the heavy rumble of a thunderstorm may be miles away; and the monsters in the closet are just shadows. 

When I was a kid, I was scared of a lot of things (read: a lot. of. things.).  In particular, I was afraid of movie characters.  I tearfully rejected the Wizard of Oz poster that some family friends had given me, because it reminded me of the Wicked Witch of the West.  I dreaded going into the movie store, because it had a life-sized cardboard cutout of Jim Carrey in The Mask by the door.  And don’t even get me started on Gremlins. 

Want to know what scares me now? Money.

I crunch the numbers and realize that I won't have enough money for this school. No matter how many overtime shifts I work or yard sales I have, I can't do it; at least not while I'm relying on myself.  

To get where I need to go and follow where God's leading me, it can't be just me. And that's scary. Letting go of control and leaving your situation to someone else is frightening. 

For anyone who knows me, control is not something that's a huge issue with me. I have trouble giving up control not because every little thing has to align, but because I'm a worker. I don't like asking for help, I like giving it.  I am the one who takes out the garbage and sets up tables. I am Aidan, the worker and the giver.

So I guess waiting for these funds is scary because I have to change my heart a little bit. I have to stop working and learn how to rest and trust instead of going full-speed.

It's kind of like those same characters I was afraid of as a kid. Just like I had to look past the illusion that they existed in the real world, I need to realize that God is bigger than money. If He's going to use me, He'll find a way. Because my anxieties are worth more to the God of  the universe than a couple thousand dollars.

And if I can remember that, maybe this won't be so scary anymore. -Aidan

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